I should learn to write in this thing on a more consistent basis. Maybe it would serve some use to someone someday, like maybe they'll be able to use this to create a psychological profile of me once I finally do swan dive off the deep end and commit the murders I'm planning. I still have some sanity left now, but it ain't much. I should use this to record me at my most sane. Maybe those few souls in this world that actually care about and for me will read this and remember some semblance of who I used to be. I can assure you that no one will want to remember me for the atrocities that I will someday commit against those who I feel deserve it. No one will want to remember me as a brutal, heartless being...but that is what they will say, without knowing the truth.
I had a heart once. I tore it out. All of the pain in the world, all of the fear and sadness I feel comes straight from my heart. So, to stop all of that was a no brainer: tear it out. I did my best to disconnect from it, but there must still be residual shit left over in my brain because I still feel most of what I did before.
I spend every day consumed with misery. Even the brightest city looks like the cold, dark, industrial wasteland of "Eraserhead" to me. Most of my social interactions feel as awkward as that film. Sure, I can fake it for a while when I have to. I'm great at being fake nice. Unfortunately, most people make me feel like being anything but nice. I constantly think about all who have turned their backs on me, for no reason. I think I deserve a reason, don't you? If someone turned their back on you, you'd want to know why, right? Or if someone just hated you for no real reason, you'd expect them to have a reason for hating you, right? Why do people hate me? Why am I so loathed? What have I done? What have I not done? I'm 31 years old. I don't get it. Can someone spell it out for me, please?
I understand hate. I think I feel it deeper than possibly anyone. There is not a moment of life that passes by that I don't feel it seething in my bones. I play out murderous scenarios in my head each and every day, dozens of times. I think about how exactly I would kill those who have wronged me or those whom I care about. I really feel sorry for the next person who pushes me. I could kill entire families of people if I had to...except dogs. I would never kill a dog unless I absolutely had to. They are the only thing worth loving in this world, and the only things that deliver true love and devotion in return. That is my limit. I probably wouldn't kill any kids under 12 either...but I'm not ruling it out. Everyone else is fair game, especially if borne of the seed from that whom I am destroying. Wipe the Earth clean. Let God sort 'em out.
I wonder if I will ever meet God. I have questions I'd like to ask him. I'm sure I'm not the only one. Before he damns me for all eternity, I wonder if he'd tell me where I went wrong. He doesn't owe me that, but maybe eternity in damnation would sit a little better if I knew the "why" of it all.
I suppose the title of this blog doesn't make much sense up to this point. I started working this week in a hospital. It's insane. Completely insane. I'd say it's probably the hardest work I have ever done, mentally speaking. All the medical lingo and insurance stuff is insane. I'm only in one area of the hospital now, but supposedly I'm going to be working all over the place...holy fuck. I had better step it up and get my shit straightened out. My focus needs to be on work. The days are cripplingly slow now, but once I have some semblance of an idea of what I'm doing, I'm guessing that will change. It's kinda cool because it doesn't seem like I have to see a boss very much, and I work semi-independently. My last job was the opposite. I saw my bosses and their bosses, and their bosses' bosses way too fucking much...And there was all this forced interaction, group activity bullshit that I fucking hated. It seems like this place doesn't fuck around with any of that, which is awesome. We'll see how this goes. Maybe in time I'll even grow to like it. Of course, I haven't seen anyone die yet...but I'm sure that will happen, and then the feelings will start. I think I can disconnect from it.
That's it for now.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Welcome back
It's been 10 months since I've written in this thing. So much shit has changed in that time, I don't even know where to begin. So it turns out that I did get that Supervisor job...which was cool for all of three weeks or so until the insubordination started. Who knew that I work with such fucking bitches. So many. So, so many. First the 45 year old single, menopausal cat lady who lived alone and complained incessantly about everything left. Thank Satan that thing was never able to reproduce during its tenure in my presence. I'm guessing that even despite the acceptable tits and adequately bleached and yet very thick mustache that most men just couldn't get past the squawking. Can't say as I blame them...but I would've thrown it in her ass maybe. She sure acted like she wanted me to until I got the job and she didn't. Hey, newsflash retard: you had 20+ years to go to school and live lean for a few years and get your MSW. Instead you chose to job hop every 2 years when people caught onto what a bitch you are, and to move around the country in hopes of finding a city where people like you are considered attractive. Seriously, I hope your new job treats you well. I give you a year, tops.
Then we have the Gruesome Twosome. Man, I don't even know where to begin. Attitude upon condescension upon rudeness upon egotism upon inflated pride...and for what? Being gross? Being ugly and mean? I get that I'm a fat piece of shit, but at least I treat most people with respect, even the ones that don't deserve it. I doubt either of those bitches will ever read this, but on the off chance that ever happens, let me spell it out for you:
-A 35 year old dressing up like a character from "Twilight", and skipping work and making your assuredly shitty husband and child go with you to the premiere of the movie is not cool, it's fucking pathetic
-I'm really sorry that you were a whore in your 20's and 30's and decided that instead of being on the pill, you would just fuck first and think later, which yielded you three mediocre offspring. That sucks. But for the love of fuck, do you have to argue with your ex about child support so loudly as for pretty much the whole building to hear?
And then they left...for an even harder job. Good luck, bitches. Don't let the door hit your gross asses on the way out.
Attitudes, insubordination, contempt for me and their job...that's pretty much been my experience the last 10 months or so. I've learned a lot about myself and what I don't like about life and work...and now I know enough to put myself in the right direction for the future, which is what matters. Now I just need to find a job because come 12/31/2011, I no longer have one. My dream job went south real quick. I should've never left my old job. It was hard, it was thankless, but at least people respected me. Now I have nothing. Oh well. Maybe in another year I'll look back and laugh.
My band did finally get out record out back in March. We've done way too much shit since then to sum it all up. Suffice to say, my band is basically the best thing in my life. Jerry joined the band on bass. We've done two tours with the guy, and it has been phenomenal. I'm anxiously awaiting what 2012 will bring for us as a band. I really hope that we'll be able to tour Europe, get our split LP with Light Bearer out, and do start writing another LP!
Fuck, I hate being on-call for work so much. It rattles my bones. It puts me on edge. I still do it, but man do I hate it. The extra money is sorta worth it, and sorta not. I'm gonna use the extra dough from this to get my wife's truck fixed. It needs it super bad. I suppose I'll need tires for my new ride at some point as well, t least before the snow falls. Oh yeah, I bought a new car in June- a 2005 Scion xB. I know, it's a toaster and super NOT grim. Oh well. I like it. The Nissan had to go. The old girl served me well, but after 14 years of existence, we had to part. Thankfully, she has found a good home with a co-worker of the wife. Happy Trails, Nissan.
What else...pedals. I've been collecting so many pedals. Fuzz pedals, mostly. Boutique stuff. I've got more than enough fuzz now, so I'm onto collecting pedals that do weird things...really, I should be onto not spending any more fucking money. I'll get there someday, probably after I'm bankrupt and living in 4 refrigerator boxes that I duct taped together. That's when I'll do my best to get murdered.
My depression hasn't even subsided one bit. If anything, it's slowly become rage. The city I live in is truly on the verge of a race war. We live in the most segregated city in America. There have been two recent and highly publicized attacks. The first one was 50 black teens armed with glass bottles, knives, and baseball bats vs. 20 punk kids who didn't want any trouble. The second time was hundreds of black kids beating up on dozens of white folks at the State Fair. I'm not being racist, these are the facts. Were they racially motivated? The first one was in my opinion. The second time, whites were apparently targeted because they "looked weak" or whatever. I'm gonna say yes to both. To some degree, I don't blame the anger from either side. Black people in this country continue to be oppressed and discriminated against by the dominant white culture, so it's only natural that the more violent and impoverished members of their race would lash out. It's not rocket science, it's pure anger and, for some, hate. On the flip side, the white man who denies the idea of White Privilege, and instead embrace White Power or White Pride, cannot see what I have just said, or do not accept that these incidents are isolated and actually shunned by the majority of the community at large. As such, these whites respond in turn with violence of their own...and the cycle continues. A very smart man once said that those who do not study history are doomed to repeat it. This is exactly what is happening. The lessons learned from the Civil Rights era, the atrocities committed by the Nazis during World War II...those are just words on paper now. Most of the people who read them have gotten better at justifying their deviant hatred, but no better at sublimating it. Hate is hate. Violence is violence. I understand the propensity for it, but I also know that it solves nothing. What will a race war solve? Why do we need it? What is the intended outcome? What good will that outcome achieve? It the outcome reasonable, necessary, or achievable for all? If not, what of those who fall through the cracks? What of those who disagree? Destroying those who disagree is absolutely Fascism, make no mistake. Right wing, left wing, it doesn't matter. A Fascist is a Fascist. You can hate what someone thinks or believes, but as soon as you act to change those thoughts or beliefs, particularly by using violence, you are crossing a dangerous line onto possibly the most slipperiest of slopes.
Crushing misery, constantly. I've asked of the Universe, and any and all forces within it, to end my life. I won't do it myself. I fear death, but at the same time, it could end my suffering. It also could not. Committing suicide could send me somewhere terrible...or not. No one knows for sure. I embrace the idea of the existence of forces beyond my comprehension and detection that may have had some part in creating the Universe. I've reached into that void for purpose and clarity, and yet things are only cloudier. If there is a God, I'm probably still damned. If there is not a God, then I die and there is nothing. Either way, this life is about watching people suffer and toil endlessly to benefit others. I don't understand this world. I'm not made for it. Hell, I even wrote a song about that, but it's true. I don't understand this world, and I never will. I don't want to be in it. I don't know where I want to be. I'd love to travel the cosmos, see other civilizations...or experience the vast nothingness...and then I'd like to leave and move on. I've certainly had enough of Earth. I wonder where I can sign up to be an Intergalactic Ambassador? I think I'd be a good one: "Earth sucks. Whatever bullshit you have going on here is better by a lot. Don't worry about Earth, they fear the nuclear bomb and their God. Use those tools to control them all. You can't lose." You want the secret to conquering Humanity? Fear. Use it wisely, and everyone will bow before you. Fear kills the mind, it cripples and topples the strongest of men. I am afraid all the time, but I will not allow it to consume me. I can't control fear, but I will act in spite of it. Courage? Maybe. I prefer to call it I Don't Give A Fuck What Happens To ME. Kill me dead right now.
Fucking sports. Everyone is watching some sports team play some boring game against some other sports team. I just don't get it. I prefer to sit around and eat food, play guitar. I suppose eating food and not exercising has made me the fat pile of shit I am today. Perhaps I should do something about that, no?
Whatever. Enough typing for now.
Then we have the Gruesome Twosome. Man, I don't even know where to begin. Attitude upon condescension upon rudeness upon egotism upon inflated pride...and for what? Being gross? Being ugly and mean? I get that I'm a fat piece of shit, but at least I treat most people with respect, even the ones that don't deserve it. I doubt either of those bitches will ever read this, but on the off chance that ever happens, let me spell it out for you:
-A 35 year old dressing up like a character from "Twilight", and skipping work and making your assuredly shitty husband and child go with you to the premiere of the movie is not cool, it's fucking pathetic
-I'm really sorry that you were a whore in your 20's and 30's and decided that instead of being on the pill, you would just fuck first and think later, which yielded you three mediocre offspring. That sucks. But for the love of fuck, do you have to argue with your ex about child support so loudly as for pretty much the whole building to hear?
And then they left...for an even harder job. Good luck, bitches. Don't let the door hit your gross asses on the way out.
Attitudes, insubordination, contempt for me and their job...that's pretty much been my experience the last 10 months or so. I've learned a lot about myself and what I don't like about life and work...and now I know enough to put myself in the right direction for the future, which is what matters. Now I just need to find a job because come 12/31/2011, I no longer have one. My dream job went south real quick. I should've never left my old job. It was hard, it was thankless, but at least people respected me. Now I have nothing. Oh well. Maybe in another year I'll look back and laugh.
My band did finally get out record out back in March. We've done way too much shit since then to sum it all up. Suffice to say, my band is basically the best thing in my life. Jerry joined the band on bass. We've done two tours with the guy, and it has been phenomenal. I'm anxiously awaiting what 2012 will bring for us as a band. I really hope that we'll be able to tour Europe, get our split LP with Light Bearer out, and do start writing another LP!
Fuck, I hate being on-call for work so much. It rattles my bones. It puts me on edge. I still do it, but man do I hate it. The extra money is sorta worth it, and sorta not. I'm gonna use the extra dough from this to get my wife's truck fixed. It needs it super bad. I suppose I'll need tires for my new ride at some point as well, t least before the snow falls. Oh yeah, I bought a new car in June- a 2005 Scion xB. I know, it's a toaster and super NOT grim. Oh well. I like it. The Nissan had to go. The old girl served me well, but after 14 years of existence, we had to part. Thankfully, she has found a good home with a co-worker of the wife. Happy Trails, Nissan.
What else...pedals. I've been collecting so many pedals. Fuzz pedals, mostly. Boutique stuff. I've got more than enough fuzz now, so I'm onto collecting pedals that do weird things...really, I should be onto not spending any more fucking money. I'll get there someday, probably after I'm bankrupt and living in 4 refrigerator boxes that I duct taped together. That's when I'll do my best to get murdered.
My depression hasn't even subsided one bit. If anything, it's slowly become rage. The city I live in is truly on the verge of a race war. We live in the most segregated city in America. There have been two recent and highly publicized attacks. The first one was 50 black teens armed with glass bottles, knives, and baseball bats vs. 20 punk kids who didn't want any trouble. The second time was hundreds of black kids beating up on dozens of white folks at the State Fair. I'm not being racist, these are the facts. Were they racially motivated? The first one was in my opinion. The second time, whites were apparently targeted because they "looked weak" or whatever. I'm gonna say yes to both. To some degree, I don't blame the anger from either side. Black people in this country continue to be oppressed and discriminated against by the dominant white culture, so it's only natural that the more violent and impoverished members of their race would lash out. It's not rocket science, it's pure anger and, for some, hate. On the flip side, the white man who denies the idea of White Privilege, and instead embrace White Power or White Pride, cannot see what I have just said, or do not accept that these incidents are isolated and actually shunned by the majority of the community at large. As such, these whites respond in turn with violence of their own...and the cycle continues. A very smart man once said that those who do not study history are doomed to repeat it. This is exactly what is happening. The lessons learned from the Civil Rights era, the atrocities committed by the Nazis during World War II...those are just words on paper now. Most of the people who read them have gotten better at justifying their deviant hatred, but no better at sublimating it. Hate is hate. Violence is violence. I understand the propensity for it, but I also know that it solves nothing. What will a race war solve? Why do we need it? What is the intended outcome? What good will that outcome achieve? It the outcome reasonable, necessary, or achievable for all? If not, what of those who fall through the cracks? What of those who disagree? Destroying those who disagree is absolutely Fascism, make no mistake. Right wing, left wing, it doesn't matter. A Fascist is a Fascist. You can hate what someone thinks or believes, but as soon as you act to change those thoughts or beliefs, particularly by using violence, you are crossing a dangerous line onto possibly the most slipperiest of slopes.
Crushing misery, constantly. I've asked of the Universe, and any and all forces within it, to end my life. I won't do it myself. I fear death, but at the same time, it could end my suffering. It also could not. Committing suicide could send me somewhere terrible...or not. No one knows for sure. I embrace the idea of the existence of forces beyond my comprehension and detection that may have had some part in creating the Universe. I've reached into that void for purpose and clarity, and yet things are only cloudier. If there is a God, I'm probably still damned. If there is not a God, then I die and there is nothing. Either way, this life is about watching people suffer and toil endlessly to benefit others. I don't understand this world. I'm not made for it. Hell, I even wrote a song about that, but it's true. I don't understand this world, and I never will. I don't want to be in it. I don't know where I want to be. I'd love to travel the cosmos, see other civilizations...or experience the vast nothingness...and then I'd like to leave and move on. I've certainly had enough of Earth. I wonder where I can sign up to be an Intergalactic Ambassador? I think I'd be a good one: "Earth sucks. Whatever bullshit you have going on here is better by a lot. Don't worry about Earth, they fear the nuclear bomb and their God. Use those tools to control them all. You can't lose." You want the secret to conquering Humanity? Fear. Use it wisely, and everyone will bow before you. Fear kills the mind, it cripples and topples the strongest of men. I am afraid all the time, but I will not allow it to consume me. I can't control fear, but I will act in spite of it. Courage? Maybe. I prefer to call it I Don't Give A Fuck What Happens To ME. Kill me dead right now.
Fucking sports. Everyone is watching some sports team play some boring game against some other sports team. I just don't get it. I prefer to sit around and eat food, play guitar. I suppose eating food and not exercising has made me the fat pile of shit I am today. Perhaps I should do something about that, no?
Whatever. Enough typing for now.
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