I should learn to write in this thing on a more consistent basis. Maybe it would serve some use to someone someday, like maybe they'll be able to use this to create a psychological profile of me once I finally do swan dive off the deep end and commit the murders I'm planning. I still have some sanity left now, but it ain't much. I should use this to record me at my most sane. Maybe those few souls in this world that actually care about and for me will read this and remember some semblance of who I used to be. I can assure you that no one will want to remember me for the atrocities that I will someday commit against those who I feel deserve it. No one will want to remember me as a brutal, heartless being...but that is what they will say, without knowing the truth.
I had a heart once. I tore it out. All of the pain in the world, all of the fear and sadness I feel comes straight from my heart. So, to stop all of that was a no brainer: tear it out. I did my best to disconnect from it, but there must still be residual shit left over in my brain because I still feel most of what I did before.
I spend every day consumed with misery. Even the brightest city looks like the cold, dark, industrial wasteland of "Eraserhead" to me. Most of my social interactions feel as awkward as that film. Sure, I can fake it for a while when I have to. I'm great at being fake nice. Unfortunately, most people make me feel like being anything but nice. I constantly think about all who have turned their backs on me, for no reason. I think I deserve a reason, don't you? If someone turned their back on you, you'd want to know why, right? Or if someone just hated you for no real reason, you'd expect them to have a reason for hating you, right? Why do people hate me? Why am I so loathed? What have I done? What have I not done? I'm 31 years old. I don't get it. Can someone spell it out for me, please?
I understand hate. I think I feel it deeper than possibly anyone. There is not a moment of life that passes by that I don't feel it seething in my bones. I play out murderous scenarios in my head each and every day, dozens of times. I think about how exactly I would kill those who have wronged me or those whom I care about. I really feel sorry for the next person who pushes me. I could kill entire families of people if I had to...except dogs. I would never kill a dog unless I absolutely had to. They are the only thing worth loving in this world, and the only things that deliver true love and devotion in return. That is my limit. I probably wouldn't kill any kids under 12 either...but I'm not ruling it out. Everyone else is fair game, especially if borne of the seed from that whom I am destroying. Wipe the Earth clean. Let God sort 'em out.
I wonder if I will ever meet God. I have questions I'd like to ask him. I'm sure I'm not the only one. Before he damns me for all eternity, I wonder if he'd tell me where I went wrong. He doesn't owe me that, but maybe eternity in damnation would sit a little better if I knew the "why" of it all.
I suppose the title of this blog doesn't make much sense up to this point. I started working this week in a hospital. It's insane. Completely insane. I'd say it's probably the hardest work I have ever done, mentally speaking. All the medical lingo and insurance stuff is insane. I'm only in one area of the hospital now, but supposedly I'm going to be working all over the place...holy fuck. I had better step it up and get my shit straightened out. My focus needs to be on work. The days are cripplingly slow now, but once I have some semblance of an idea of what I'm doing, I'm guessing that will change. It's kinda cool because it doesn't seem like I have to see a boss very much, and I work semi-independently. My last job was the opposite. I saw my bosses and their bosses, and their bosses' bosses way too fucking much...And there was all this forced interaction, group activity bullshit that I fucking hated. It seems like this place doesn't fuck around with any of that, which is awesome. We'll see how this goes. Maybe in time I'll even grow to like it. Of course, I haven't seen anyone die yet...but I'm sure that will happen, and then the feelings will start. I think I can disconnect from it.
That's it for now.
