I hate the smell of failure, but it surrounds me currently. I think I ended up wasting my time...again. Why do I bother trying to achieve things, only to fail at them and be ridiculed by the voices in my head? First, I destroyed my Big Muff the other day while I was trying to mod it...What a joke. I spent $60 on parts, 2 nights working on it, go to fire it up and...nothing. The fucking LED works, but no sound when I kick it in. I did lift a couple traces on the transistors, which leads me to believe that might be what's causing my woes. I'm not sure. In any event, it's fucked and I don't know how to fix it. I almost just want to give it to Nick and be like "Here, you have at it". I know he'd be silently judging me for not being smart enough to work it out. I hate being judged. But I do it, too. We all do. Humans are the worst.

So yeah, I interviewed for a supervisor position at my new work, and I can just tell by how people have been reacting to me lately that I failed miserably. I hate knowing this. I hate the feeling of being told I'm not good enough, when I know that I am. This is a feeling that I believe I'm going to experience a whole lot more in this life of mine...Disappointment. I'm stuck where I'm at. I guess I'll just continue bending over and taking life right between the cheeks. It's apparently what I'm meant to do...if you believe in that kind of thing.

I got into another spirited debate with another Christian Apologetic the other day. I remained civil throughout, though I could feel the scathing anger he had towards me, even in the written word. I'll bet it just eats him up inside to think that there are probably millions, maybe even billions of people in the world that don't accept Jeebus as their personal savior. What's even more funny is that he assumed I was an Atheist, but I never once said I was. I don't know what I am. Does it matter? I guess for arguing purposes it does. OK, I guess I'm a non-Christian Theist. I don't accept Christianity exclusively. I am convinced by the reasoning that one or more deities had some part in the creation of our world, possibly even the universe and this dimension. However, I struggle with the idea of a "deity" as that most certainly seems to be a human projection, the idea of one being or individual being above all else. Western civilization, in strong contrast to Eastern philosophies, is built around this idea of the strong individual that conquers all. I would argue that civilization and pre-Biblical society influenced the idea of a singular God. I'm sure Christians would disagree.

Anyway, the debate got really stupid, especially when it was implied that I have to prove God doesn't exist. Really? See, I'm not the one making the assertion here. As Christian, YOU assert that God exists. All I say is I am not convinced by the evidence presented to me to verify that claim. I am not required to offer evidence to you to contradict your evidence, as I am not trying to disprove the existence of God. I am simply saying that I don't buy the evidence for the Christian concept of God- plain and simple. There is nothing that would necessarily lead to a Theistic explanation of the natural world vs. a scientific one, as the Theistic explanation would require having knowledge of a deity, which we can't have unless this being presents itself somehow, or makes it up. Since God himself has never presented himself to us, we cannot reason that God is responsible for these natural occurrences. What's so hard to understand about that?

I have this problem. The texture of foods has really been bothering me lately. Cooked onions in particular have REALLY been grossing me out. I had a sandwich last night that was loaded with onions, and they all made me feel like I was eating worms...Disgusting. A $40 meal soon turned into something I wouldn't feed my dog.

Northless is about the only good thing going for me at this very moment. Our record is finished being recorded, mixed, and mastered. Now we just have to wait for art to be finished, and for everything to be put together. I wanted to have it out by the end of January 2011, but at this rate I'm not sure it's going to happen. We'll see. Playing guitar is still pretty damn sweet, though. I can't wait until we have a bassist up to speed on old material, and we start working on new shit!!!

OK, I'm done for now. Back to reality, I guess.