It's not "ER", it's not "Grey's Anatomy",..so get fucked.

I should learn to write in this thing on a more consistent basis. Maybe it would serve some use to someone someday, like maybe they'll be able to use this to create a psychological profile of me once I finally do swan dive off the deep end and commit the murders I'm planning. I still have some sanity left now, but it ain't much. I should use this to record me at my most sane. Maybe those few souls in this world that actually care about and for me will read this and remember some semblance of who I used to be. I can assure you that no one will want to remember me for the atrocities that I will someday commit against those who I feel deserve it. No one will want to remember me as a brutal, heartless being...but that is what they will say, without knowing the truth.

I had a heart once. I tore it out. All of the pain in the world, all of the fear and sadness I feel comes straight from my heart. So, to stop all of that was a no brainer: tear it out. I did my best to disconnect from it, but there must still be residual shit left over in my brain because I still feel most of what I did before.

I spend every day consumed with misery. Even the brightest city looks like the cold, dark, industrial wasteland of "Eraserhead" to me. Most of my social interactions feel as awkward as that film. Sure, I can fake it for a while when I have to. I'm great at being fake nice. Unfortunately, most people make me feel like being anything but nice. I constantly think about all who have turned their backs on me, for no reason. I think I deserve a reason, don't you? If someone turned their back on you, you'd want to know why, right? Or if someone just hated you for no real reason, you'd expect them to have a reason for hating you, right? Why do people hate me? Why am I so loathed? What have I done? What have I not done? I'm 31 years old. I don't get it. Can someone spell it out for me, please?

I understand hate. I think I feel it deeper than possibly anyone. There is not a moment of life that passes by that I don't feel it seething in my bones. I play out murderous scenarios in my head each and every day, dozens of times. I think about how exactly I would kill those who have wronged me or those whom I care about. I really feel sorry for the next person who pushes me. I could kill entire families of people if I had to...except dogs. I would never kill a dog unless I absolutely had to. They are the only thing worth loving in this world, and the only things that deliver true love and devotion in return. That is my limit. I probably wouldn't kill any kids under 12 either...but I'm not ruling it out. Everyone else is fair game, especially if borne of the seed from that whom I am destroying. Wipe the Earth clean. Let God sort 'em out.

I wonder if I will ever meet God. I have questions I'd like to ask him. I'm sure I'm not the only one. Before he damns me for all eternity, I wonder if he'd tell me where I went wrong. He doesn't owe me that, but maybe eternity in damnation would sit a little better if I knew the "why" of it all.

I suppose the title of this blog doesn't make much sense up to this point. I started working this week in a hospital. It's insane. Completely insane. I'd say it's probably the hardest work I have ever done, mentally speaking. All the medical lingo and insurance stuff is insane. I'm only in one area of the hospital now, but supposedly I'm going to be working all over the place...holy fuck. I had better step it up and get my shit straightened out. My focus needs to be on work. The days are cripplingly slow now, but once I have some semblance of an idea of what I'm doing, I'm guessing that will change. It's kinda cool because it doesn't seem like I have to see a boss very much, and I work semi-independently. My last job was the opposite. I saw my bosses and their bosses, and their bosses' bosses way too fucking much...And there was all this forced interaction, group activity bullshit that I fucking hated. It seems like this place doesn't fuck around with any of that, which is awesome. We'll see how this goes. Maybe in time I'll even grow to like it. Of course, I haven't seen anyone die yet...but I'm sure that will happen, and then the feelings will start. I think I can disconnect from it.

That's it for now.

Welcome back

It's been 10 months since I've written in this thing. So much shit has changed in that time, I don't even know where to begin. So it turns out that I did get that Supervisor job...which was cool for all of three weeks or so until the insubordination started. Who knew that I work with such fucking bitches. So many. So, so many. First the 45 year old single, menopausal cat lady who lived alone and complained incessantly about everything left. Thank Satan that thing was never able to reproduce during its tenure in my presence. I'm guessing that even despite the acceptable tits and adequately bleached and yet very thick mustache that most men just couldn't get past the squawking. Can't say as I blame them...but I would've thrown it in her ass maybe. She sure acted like she wanted me to until I got the job and she didn't. Hey, newsflash retard: you had 20+ years to go to school and live lean for a few years and get your MSW. Instead you chose to job hop every 2 years when people caught onto what a bitch you are, and to move around the country in hopes of finding a city where people like you are considered attractive. Seriously, I hope your new job treats you well. I give you a year, tops.

Then we have the Gruesome Twosome. Man, I don't even know where to begin. Attitude upon condescension upon rudeness upon egotism upon inflated pride...and for what? Being gross? Being ugly and mean? I get that I'm a fat piece of shit, but at least I treat most people with respect, even the ones that don't deserve it. I doubt either of those bitches will ever read this, but on the off chance that ever happens, let me spell it out for you:

-A 35 year old dressing up like a character from "Twilight", and skipping work and making your assuredly shitty husband and child go with you to the premiere of the movie is not cool, it's fucking pathetic
-I'm really sorry that you were a whore in your 20's and 30's and decided that instead of being on the pill, you would just fuck first and think later, which yielded you three mediocre offspring. That sucks. But for the love of fuck, do you have to argue with your ex about child support so loudly as for pretty much the whole building to hear?

And then they left...for an even harder job. Good luck, bitches. Don't let the door hit your gross asses on the way out.

Attitudes, insubordination, contempt for me and their job...that's pretty much been my experience the last 10 months or so. I've learned a lot about myself and what I don't like about life and work...and now I know enough to put myself in the right direction for the future, which is what matters. Now I just need to find a job because come 12/31/2011, I no longer have one. My dream job went south real quick. I should've never left my old job. It was hard, it was thankless, but at least people respected me. Now I have nothing. Oh well. Maybe in another year I'll look back and laugh.

My band did finally get out record out back in March. We've done way too much shit since then to sum it all up. Suffice to say, my band is basically the best thing in my life. Jerry joined the band on bass. We've done two tours with the guy, and it has been phenomenal. I'm anxiously awaiting what 2012 will bring for us as a band. I really hope that we'll be able to tour Europe, get our split LP with Light Bearer out, and do start writing another LP!

Fuck, I hate being on-call for work so much. It rattles my bones. It puts me on edge. I still do it, but man do I hate it. The extra money is sorta worth it, and sorta not. I'm gonna use the extra dough from this to get my wife's truck fixed. It needs it super bad. I suppose I'll need tires for my new ride at some point as well, t least before the snow falls. Oh yeah, I bought a new car in June- a 2005 Scion xB. I know, it's a toaster and super NOT grim. Oh well. I like it. The Nissan had to go. The old girl served me well, but after 14 years of existence, we had to part. Thankfully, she has found a good home with a co-worker of the wife. Happy Trails, Nissan.

What else...pedals. I've been collecting so many pedals. Fuzz pedals, mostly. Boutique stuff. I've got more than enough fuzz now, so I'm onto collecting pedals that do weird things...really, I should be onto not spending any more fucking money. I'll get there someday, probably after I'm bankrupt and living in 4 refrigerator boxes that I duct taped together. That's when I'll do my best to get murdered.

My depression hasn't even subsided one bit. If anything, it's slowly become rage. The city I live in is truly on the verge of a race war. We live in the most segregated city in America. There have been two recent and highly publicized attacks. The first one was 50 black teens armed with glass bottles, knives, and baseball bats vs. 20 punk kids who didn't want any trouble. The second time was hundreds of black kids beating up on dozens of white folks at the State Fair. I'm not being racist, these are the facts. Were they racially motivated? The first one was in my opinion. The second time, whites were apparently targeted because they "looked weak" or whatever. I'm gonna say yes to both. To some degree, I don't blame the anger from either side. Black people in this country continue to be oppressed and discriminated against by the dominant white culture, so it's only natural that the more violent and impoverished members of their race would lash out. It's not rocket science, it's pure anger and, for some, hate. On the flip side, the white man who denies the idea of White Privilege, and instead embrace White Power or White Pride, cannot see what I have just said, or do not accept that these incidents are isolated and actually shunned by the majority of the community at large. As such, these whites respond in turn with violence of their own...and the cycle continues. A very smart man once said that those who do not study history are doomed to repeat it. This is exactly what is happening. The lessons learned from the Civil Rights era, the atrocities committed by the Nazis during World War II...those are just words on paper now. Most of the people who read them have gotten better at justifying their deviant hatred, but no better at sublimating it. Hate is hate. Violence is violence. I understand the propensity for it, but I also know that it solves nothing. What will a race war solve? Why do we need it? What is the intended outcome? What good will that outcome achieve? It the outcome reasonable, necessary, or achievable for all? If not, what of those who fall through the cracks? What of those who disagree? Destroying those who disagree is absolutely Fascism, make no mistake. Right wing, left wing, it doesn't matter. A Fascist is a Fascist. You can hate what someone thinks or believes, but as soon as you act to change those thoughts or beliefs, particularly by using violence, you are crossing a dangerous line onto possibly the most slipperiest of slopes.

Crushing misery, constantly. I've asked of the Universe, and any and all forces within it, to end my life. I won't do it myself. I fear death, but at the same time, it could end my suffering. It also could not. Committing suicide could send me somewhere terrible...or not. No one knows for sure. I embrace the idea of the existence of forces beyond my comprehension and detection that may have had some part in creating the Universe. I've reached into that void for purpose and clarity, and yet things are only cloudier. If there is a God, I'm probably still damned. If there is not a God, then I die and there is nothing. Either way, this life is about watching people suffer and toil endlessly to benefit others. I don't understand this world. I'm not made for it. Hell, I even wrote a song about that, but it's true. I don't understand this world, and I never will. I don't want to be in it. I don't know where I want to be. I'd love to travel the cosmos, see other civilizations...or experience the vast nothingness...and then I'd like to leave and move on. I've certainly had enough of Earth. I wonder where I can sign up to be an Intergalactic Ambassador? I think I'd be a good one: "Earth sucks. Whatever bullshit you have going on here is better by a lot. Don't worry about Earth, they fear the nuclear bomb and their God. Use those tools to control them all. You can't lose." You want the secret to conquering Humanity? Fear. Use it wisely, and everyone will bow before you. Fear kills the mind, it cripples and topples the strongest of men. I am afraid all the time, but I will not allow it to consume me. I can't control fear, but I will act in spite of it. Courage? Maybe. I prefer to call it I Don't Give A Fuck What Happens To ME. Kill me dead right now.

Fucking sports. Everyone is watching some sports team play some boring game against some other sports team. I just don't get it. I prefer to sit around and eat food, play guitar. I suppose eating food and not exercising has made me the fat pile of shit I am today. Perhaps I should do something about that, no?

Whatever. Enough typing for now.

I hate the smell of failure, but it surrounds me currently. I think I ended up wasting my time...again. Why do I bother trying to achieve things, only to fail at them and be ridiculed by the voices in my head? First, I destroyed my Big Muff the other day while I was trying to mod it...What a joke. I spent $60 on parts, 2 nights working on it, go to fire it up and...nothing. The fucking LED works, but no sound when I kick it in. I did lift a couple traces on the transistors, which leads me to believe that might be what's causing my woes. I'm not sure. In any event, it's fucked and I don't know how to fix it. I almost just want to give it to Nick and be like "Here, you have at it". I know he'd be silently judging me for not being smart enough to work it out. I hate being judged. But I do it, too. We all do. Humans are the worst.

So yeah, I interviewed for a supervisor position at my new work, and I can just tell by how people have been reacting to me lately that I failed miserably. I hate knowing this. I hate the feeling of being told I'm not good enough, when I know that I am. This is a feeling that I believe I'm going to experience a whole lot more in this life of mine...Disappointment. I'm stuck where I'm at. I guess I'll just continue bending over and taking life right between the cheeks. It's apparently what I'm meant to do...if you believe in that kind of thing.

I got into another spirited debate with another Christian Apologetic the other day. I remained civil throughout, though I could feel the scathing anger he had towards me, even in the written word. I'll bet it just eats him up inside to think that there are probably millions, maybe even billions of people in the world that don't accept Jeebus as their personal savior. What's even more funny is that he assumed I was an Atheist, but I never once said I was. I don't know what I am. Does it matter? I guess for arguing purposes it does. OK, I guess I'm a non-Christian Theist. I don't accept Christianity exclusively. I am convinced by the reasoning that one or more deities had some part in the creation of our world, possibly even the universe and this dimension. However, I struggle with the idea of a "deity" as that most certainly seems to be a human projection, the idea of one being or individual being above all else. Western civilization, in strong contrast to Eastern philosophies, is built around this idea of the strong individual that conquers all. I would argue that civilization and pre-Biblical society influenced the idea of a singular God. I'm sure Christians would disagree.

Anyway, the debate got really stupid, especially when it was implied that I have to prove God doesn't exist. Really? See, I'm not the one making the assertion here. As Christian, YOU assert that God exists. All I say is I am not convinced by the evidence presented to me to verify that claim. I am not required to offer evidence to you to contradict your evidence, as I am not trying to disprove the existence of God. I am simply saying that I don't buy the evidence for the Christian concept of God- plain and simple. There is nothing that would necessarily lead to a Theistic explanation of the natural world vs. a scientific one, as the Theistic explanation would require having knowledge of a deity, which we can't have unless this being presents itself somehow, or makes it up. Since God himself has never presented himself to us, we cannot reason that God is responsible for these natural occurrences. What's so hard to understand about that?

I have this problem. The texture of foods has really been bothering me lately. Cooked onions in particular have REALLY been grossing me out. I had a sandwich last night that was loaded with onions, and they all made me feel like I was eating worms...Disgusting. A $40 meal soon turned into something I wouldn't feed my dog.

Northless is about the only good thing going for me at this very moment. Our record is finished being recorded, mixed, and mastered. Now we just have to wait for art to be finished, and for everything to be put together. I wanted to have it out by the end of January 2011, but at this rate I'm not sure it's going to happen. We'll see. Playing guitar is still pretty damn sweet, though. I can't wait until we have a bassist up to speed on old material, and we start working on new shit!!!

OK, I'm done for now. Back to reality, I guess.

This is the closest to silence I've heard in a long time in my house...Wife is in bed sleeping. The TV is on, but barely loud enough to hear. The fan inside my computer is just a 1200Hz hum in the background of my consciousness. The loudest thing I hear is my typing on this keyboard.

I think existence is built mostly on silence. Most people long for the moments between silence, where things are happening. I mostly long for the silence, and the ability to sit alone with my thoughts.

Before man existed, before life as we know it was an idea, there was silence. And after everything in this world is gone, there will be true silence once again.

I think only sleep brings me real silence, occasionally stirred by dreams and nightmares. I wonder if the Great Sleep will bring eternal silence?

Vacation this week...my first one in quite some time. I guess I was technically on vacation back in April when Northless went on tour, but I was mostly just on tour then. This time, I have absolutely nothing planned. Unfortunately, I am utterly broke which means I probably won't be doing a whole lot of anything. I did re-arrange my pedalboard for the 4th or 5th time in as many months. I'm close...real close. I think I can finally nail every tone I need to with what I have. I'd love to have a pedal that does infinite reverb. Maybe someday I can afford one of those Dr. Scientist Reverberators? Not likely, but a man can dream.

Northless plays with Jucifer on Thursday. It's going to be bittersweet. On the one hand, it'll be awesome to play with Jucifer and hopefully gain some new fans in the process. On the other, it's probably going to be our last show for a while, until we get a bassist up to speed. Still no word on who is going to fill the void...A couple ideas, but nothing concrete. Then again, I haven't been trying as hard as I could. I'm trying to focus on one aspect of the band at a time, and right now my focus is finishing the record and getting a mix ready for Cory and Adam, as well as finishing art. But yeah, in the meantime, I should be thinking more about bassists. I just haven't yet. As much as I hate this line of thinking, I do believe that things will fall into place when they're ready to. One thing's for sure, this band isn't going to dissolve like all of my others. I will keep doing it until I can't anymore. It'll probably end up being just me someday, once my bandmates tire of my scatterbrained, belligerent way of explaining the sounds I hear in my head...plus, let's face it, I can be kind of a control freak asshole sometimes. But, I mean well. And in the end, we create some killer fucking music, or at least I like it...

I think I'm finally getting pretty good at soldering. I've been working on a shitload of pedals lately. I REALLY need to get a decent sounding practice amp, and a video camera of some sort, so I can demo some of the things I've done. I just worked on an Ibanez TS5 Tube Screamer that I am very proud of. I took a shitty sounding $24 overdrive pedal, and turned into quite possibly the best overdrive I've ever played...it's up there, anyway. Moreover, I could really stand to SELL some of the pedals I have around. I just don't want to get ripped off on Craigslist. Truth be told, I do mods for dirt cheap...$25 for dirt boxes, $35 if I'm adding switches or working on more complicated pedals, and $50 if I'm doing something really tricky/time consuming, like working on those Line 6 modeling pedals or doing a difficult repair. I think word is finally starting to get out there, but I really need to push the issue more. Once I get some regular customers, I'll probably raise my prices in 6 months to a year. Maybe then I can make some real cash and sometime, start building my own effects...

...which begs the question: what the shit do I want to build?

I actually think I'd like to design a dirt box that has three footswitches on it: one for overdrive, one for distortion, and one for fuzz. It would essentially be three facets of the same tone, maybe with a blend knob for those who are really picky. I'd like to incorporate a good EQ section as well. I think a pedal like that would be awesome for those who want 3 channels of dirt without having three boxes...I already have some ideas on where I want to go with that, but we'll see what happens.

Fuck, I feel like garbage...not sure if I ate too much, not enough, or just the wrong shit. I did have a frozen Orv's pizza earlier...pretty meh if you ask me. Oh, and some Oreos, too. Yeah, that answers my question: eating the wrong shit. Then again, what else is new? I'm fucking made of bad eating habits. My ever inflating waistline is proof positive of that...

Well, I think that's enough self loathing for now. I'm ready to enjoy some vacation, or at least try to. Hopefully my co-workers don't decide to hire someone else while I'm out...that would be just my luck...Fuck it. At this point, I'd probably tell UWM to shove it up their ass. I'm so sick of being their bitch anyway. September 1st, 2011 cannot come fast enough...not because I'm itching to leave my job, but just because then that feeling of owing someone something will hopefully be lifted from my shoulders...we'll see.

Failure

I hate being a failure, but I really am. I'm nearly 30 years old, and I really have nothing worthwhile to show for those years on this planet. Sure, I fill my time with mundane shit like music and electronics...big deal. What really gets to me is how much fucking money and time I've put into school, and how little I've gotten back from the experience. I fucked up big time and got possibly one of the top 10 lowest paying, most worthless degrees on this planet: a Master's in Social Work. Want to know something fucked up? I make less now than I did before I got the MSW...seriously. How does that work, you ask? Well, let me lay it out for you: once you go to school and get that fancy degree, the assumption is that you can handle more responsibilities at work (i.e. more cases and clients), and you can handle a degree of people that people with mere BSW's cannot. Unfortunately, that is not necessarily true. While an MSW does give you more knowledge about the social work field, it does not make you any more prepared to deal with a 9 year old kid who tries to kill themselves in front of you, and then proceeds to try and kill you instead...or with a 16 year old kid who is almost as strong as you are trying to jump out of your car, while you're doing 65 mph on the freeway...or a 39 year old gang member leaving you messages, reciting your unlisted home address over and over. A degree cannot help one work through those things...

And yet, I must be one of the few that understands this concept, because that's exactly the shit I've had to put up with through the years. I had plenty of shit happen to me before I got the fancy degree, even some of the things I just mentioned. I became pretty damn good at my job through the years- honestly, better than most. So, after working for 6 years for the same agency, being carted around 5 times due to internal restructuring, after training dozens of workers, after putting up with all the political bullshit, I was repaid with...nothing. Not one fucking thing. I tried to better myself and apply for a better job...nothing but rejection there. And then they give the job to some fuck that hasn't worked in the field for years, and was either fired or asked to leave his old position in social work at a similar agency, under the umbrella of our current agency. What's worse is that from all accounts, the motherfucker is completely incompetent.

So, I left the job. Was it a mistake? Maybe. They asked me to stay, sort of. All they offered me was a "maybe" that I'd get a raise or promotion or reduction in caseload. I explained several times that my life doesn't revolve around maybes, that I wanted something concrete before turning down something that was way easier and way less stressful. The response? Nothing. Nada. I was left to leave. I got fed a nice, shit-caked line about how valuable I was to their agency, and how in a few months I would regret the decision I've made. Wow, so I was made to feel guilty, eh? Incredible. I love it. Please sign me up for more bullshit.

So, I got a new job. My new job is 100x easier, and for the most part I enjoy it more...there are some people I work with that I don't particularly enjoy, but as with any large group of people, you're not gonna be friends or even friendly with everyone....or even anyone, necessarily. The most glaring problem I see is that I took a pretty significant pay cut, and am pretty fucking broke much of the time now. I keep borrowing from my credit cards every month, and just sink deeper into debt. Sooner or later, things will catch up and I'll be all kinds of fucked. I'm not even sure what to do at this point. Get a second job? I guess that's really it. Cut spending somewhere? I suppose so.

What really gets me is this: all the people I went to school with are now successful. Most of them have moved onto management positions or better jobs with better pay. Some of them have even returned to school to better themselves yet again. And here I am...broke. No future. A wife that hates me and that I neglect, in order to play music in a band that so far has gone through a fucking lineup change every single year since its inception, and is going through yet another one right now. Overweight, high blood pressure, all sorts of burgeoning health problems. Dogs with emotional problems. 2 piece of shit cars that barely run, and I of course can't afford new ones. Not a goddamn red cent saved up. Crippling financial debt. No family that is able or willing to help out. Hated by most people for reasons that I don't even understand...publicly ridiculed and persecuted for no known reason(s)...

I don't know anymore. I keep asking myself why I allow myself to be put through all of this bullshit. I've said it out loud, and I'll say it again: I DIDN'T ASK TO BE BORN...and if I did, I don't remember doing it, and I recant the request. I don't want to fucking live anymore. I see no reason to. I'm not going to kill myself, I'm too much of a coward. I want whatever the fuck created me, or led to my existence, to take me out of this fucking world. You started this, now fucking end it already. I have no reason to exist. I don't like existence. I'm not happy. I can't remember the last time I've been happy. Is this what you want? To torture someone? Is this for your sick pleasure? You win. I hate everything more everyday. I'm running out of reasons to get out of bed in the morning, I really am. Why am I made to feel things? I don't want to. I just want to stop feeling everything. Let me die before I fuck things up for my wife, or my friends and family...they don't deserve it, but apparently I do. If you want to torture me, fine- but you leave them the fuck out of it.

I'm beside myself with anger, hurt, frustration. I don't know how anything else feels anymore. I just want to be away from everyone for as long as possible. Someday I'm either not going to exist, or I'm going to leave society. I can't stay here anymore. I want to be destroyed quickly, not fade away slowly.

Fuck

I don't exist for anyone's amusement, except maybe God...if there is a God. If there is a God, I wonder if he punishes us because we're not amusing him. Maybe that's why "idle hands are the devil's tools", because once you stop amusing God, he/she/it sends gives you to the devil. He's done with you at that point, after all. I don't fucking know.

I feel myself getting older. I can feel my skin softening, and my insides rotting slowly. I've existed on this planet for nearly 11,000 days and I still haven't figured out why I exist...assuming Descartes was correct and that thought = existence. I still haven't been convinced that this isn't some kind of Solipsistic nightmare...does it really matter anyway? I have no real freedom. I was created, directly or indirectly, and unless I kill myself, death owns me as I have no control over when I will leave this planet.

With that said, does anything matter?

Implode and disappear

Seriously, I'm still fucking here. I've never left. I've been here for over a decade now, in the place where I am mentally. The others that I thought I shared this space with all left and moved on. Some regressed, others made something different. But the thing that unifies them is that they lost their fucking passion for it...It's entirely possible that they never had passion to begin with. Why is life such a fucking joke to some people? Other people matter, but not for the reasons you think they do. Your reality is fucking pathetic. I watched you crawl away, and at first I was afraid to be alone. But here I am, still here...I'm not really alone, but I am the wolf you should fear, because when you think you're safe and forget what you pretended to be, there I'll be.

Fairweather bullshit means nothing to me. You're either in it, or you're not. I create as much as I destroy, but you people don't create a fucking thing. WHAT A WASTE. I haven't seen some of your faces since 2002...is it out of fashion to feel something for others' creations? Or was your involvement based on nepotism and status? Are drugs more your speed? You make me sick.

I did not and will not dig the holes, but I will gladly push you in them. And when you ask why, maybe I'll throw something you used to claim to enjoy on the CD player, so you can hear it one last time before you die.

I'm still here. I've always been here. Never fucking forget that.