Failure

I hate being a failure, but I really am. I'm nearly 30 years old, and I really have nothing worthwhile to show for those years on this planet. Sure, I fill my time with mundane shit like music and electronics...big deal. What really gets to me is how much fucking money and time I've put into school, and how little I've gotten back from the experience. I fucked up big time and got possibly one of the top 10 lowest paying, most worthless degrees on this planet: a Master's in Social Work. Want to know something fucked up? I make less now than I did before I got the MSW...seriously. How does that work, you ask? Well, let me lay it out for you: once you go to school and get that fancy degree, the assumption is that you can handle more responsibilities at work (i.e. more cases and clients), and you can handle a degree of people that people with mere BSW's cannot. Unfortunately, that is not necessarily true. While an MSW does give you more knowledge about the social work field, it does not make you any more prepared to deal with a 9 year old kid who tries to kill themselves in front of you, and then proceeds to try and kill you instead...or with a 16 year old kid who is almost as strong as you are trying to jump out of your car, while you're doing 65 mph on the freeway...or a 39 year old gang member leaving you messages, reciting your unlisted home address over and over. A degree cannot help one work through those things...

And yet, I must be one of the few that understands this concept, because that's exactly the shit I've had to put up with through the years. I had plenty of shit happen to me before I got the fancy degree, even some of the things I just mentioned. I became pretty damn good at my job through the years- honestly, better than most. So, after working for 6 years for the same agency, being carted around 5 times due to internal restructuring, after training dozens of workers, after putting up with all the political bullshit, I was repaid with...nothing. Not one fucking thing. I tried to better myself and apply for a better job...nothing but rejection there. And then they give the job to some fuck that hasn't worked in the field for years, and was either fired or asked to leave his old position in social work at a similar agency, under the umbrella of our current agency. What's worse is that from all accounts, the motherfucker is completely incompetent.

So, I left the job. Was it a mistake? Maybe. They asked me to stay, sort of. All they offered me was a "maybe" that I'd get a raise or promotion or reduction in caseload. I explained several times that my life doesn't revolve around maybes, that I wanted something concrete before turning down something that was way easier and way less stressful. The response? Nothing. Nada. I was left to leave. I got fed a nice, shit-caked line about how valuable I was to their agency, and how in a few months I would regret the decision I've made. Wow, so I was made to feel guilty, eh? Incredible. I love it. Please sign me up for more bullshit.

So, I got a new job. My new job is 100x easier, and for the most part I enjoy it more...there are some people I work with that I don't particularly enjoy, but as with any large group of people, you're not gonna be friends or even friendly with everyone....or even anyone, necessarily. The most glaring problem I see is that I took a pretty significant pay cut, and am pretty fucking broke much of the time now. I keep borrowing from my credit cards every month, and just sink deeper into debt. Sooner or later, things will catch up and I'll be all kinds of fucked. I'm not even sure what to do at this point. Get a second job? I guess that's really it. Cut spending somewhere? I suppose so.

What really gets me is this: all the people I went to school with are now successful. Most of them have moved onto management positions or better jobs with better pay. Some of them have even returned to school to better themselves yet again. And here I am...broke. No future. A wife that hates me and that I neglect, in order to play music in a band that so far has gone through a fucking lineup change every single year since its inception, and is going through yet another one right now. Overweight, high blood pressure, all sorts of burgeoning health problems. Dogs with emotional problems. 2 piece of shit cars that barely run, and I of course can't afford new ones. Not a goddamn red cent saved up. Crippling financial debt. No family that is able or willing to help out. Hated by most people for reasons that I don't even understand...publicly ridiculed and persecuted for no known reason(s)...

I don't know anymore. I keep asking myself why I allow myself to be put through all of this bullshit. I've said it out loud, and I'll say it again: I DIDN'T ASK TO BE BORN...and if I did, I don't remember doing it, and I recant the request. I don't want to fucking live anymore. I see no reason to. I'm not going to kill myself, I'm too much of a coward. I want whatever the fuck created me, or led to my existence, to take me out of this fucking world. You started this, now fucking end it already. I have no reason to exist. I don't like existence. I'm not happy. I can't remember the last time I've been happy. Is this what you want? To torture someone? Is this for your sick pleasure? You win. I hate everything more everyday. I'm running out of reasons to get out of bed in the morning, I really am. Why am I made to feel things? I don't want to. I just want to stop feeling everything. Let me die before I fuck things up for my wife, or my friends and family...they don't deserve it, but apparently I do. If you want to torture me, fine- but you leave them the fuck out of it.

I'm beside myself with anger, hurt, frustration. I don't know how anything else feels anymore. I just want to be away from everyone for as long as possible. Someday I'm either not going to exist, or I'm going to leave society. I can't stay here anymore. I want to be destroyed quickly, not fade away slowly.

Fuck