Shadows cast on days

This week has been utter fucking anger, misery, and worry for me. A lot of shit has happened, but I don't even know where to begin. Some good shit has happened, sure. I think if I ever go one week without something I can call "positive" or at least "not damaging" happening to or because of me, I will take that as a cue to blow my head off.

But anyway, aside from some other shit, the worst part of this week was learning that John Grant is quitting Northless. It's not until February 2011 supposedly, but the bottom line is that we need to find a new bass player. That sucks, a lot. Grant is a really good guy, and one of the coolest musicians I've had an opportunity to play with in a band. I mean, we're pretty different people or whatever, but he's creative and has a good heart, and can play. Those are pretty much the only three things I ask out of people I play with. Unfortunately, anyone who is in a band knows that these kind of people are rare. Now I'm worried about what I'm left with. Who the hell am I going to get to play in my band?

I know this is some "first world problems" kind of bullshit. I get that. I have a roof over my head, all the toys and food I could ever want, a wife that loves me, dogs that love me, people that care about me...all of this is what matters at the end of the day. But truth be told, Northless is definitely the thing that fills a part of my being that nothing else ever has or probably could. It is by far the best music I have ever written, the best band I've ever been in, and honestly is a direct extension of my musical essence. I can't fathom being in another band, and truth be told, the secret is that I won't be. I already made a specific pact with myself that I would do Northless until I literally can't anymore. Even if it only ends up being me, making records on my own in solitude and maybe never playing live again, then this is what I would do. I am lucky as all fuck to have Nick and John still in the band, and no doubt I would be up shit's creek even more if they weren't around. But nevertheless, filling that void that Grant is leaving will not be easy.

My bandmates tell me I should stop "freaking out", so I will try. The good news is at the end of the day, despite the awful physical (and to some extent mental) condition that I am in, I know that if it came down to it, I could perform an entire Northless record myself from top to bottom. This is the furthest possible thing from what I actually want (I HATE playing drums, at least for the last 3-4 months...years of playing shittily in a grind band cemented my disdain for playing the instrument), but I could do it if I had to. What it comes down to is, I will always need this release. I will always need this outlet. I would prefer to play with others and share it for those who might be able to identify with my art, but if that's not how things go, then so be it.

On that note, I've been playing guitar a ton more lately. I haven't really worked on any Northless stuff. We just finished recording 60 minutes of music, so I'm kind of spent at this moment. I also am not sure which direction I want to take the band in...whatever I do it will still be the heaviest thing I can excise from this body, but I'm trying to plan out how exactly to achieve this end. This record we're about to release I think is our "Master of Puppets". It's something we worked super hard on, and is just us at our purest. To make another one exactly like it would probably cheapen the experience...and I don't want to do that. So, the obvious conclusion is that we must evolve. Thankfully, I seem to be doing that anyway, slowly but surely. I think the next Northless music will be something really fucked up but in an honest way. That's what I want. But, make no mistake: it will be heavy. I would have it no other way.

Anyway, guitar. I've been modding a lot of pedals lately, so I find myself playing the guitar nearly every day for like 30 minutes. My chops are even coming back, slowly. I'm gonna start actually practicing again. I lost a little speed through the years, but my dexterity is as good as ever, perhaps better. I could also stand for some more endurance and stamina in my hands, but that will simply come with time. I would really like to work on being able to shred a bit. I can play solos now, but they just sound like the C- shit that most blues-influenced metal douchewads bust out at Guitar Center. I have no interest in playing some fucking hard blues shit. I want to be less Dave Mustaine, and more Marty Friedman. This will take time. But, after playing guitar for close to 18 years, I think it's time to shit or get off the pot.

I suppose this blog is rapidly becoming a rip off of Scott Kelly's blog. But then again, Northless is really just a Neurosis rip off, right? I dunno. The music blogs and magazines that have reviewed us seem to think so. I don't ultimately care. I'd rather be compared to a good band than do something "original" that sucks, like so many bands that are out now not worth mentioning. All I do is play what I like and if we are truly the sum of our influences, then I can see why the comparison is made. So be it. I am who I am.

The sound of racecars in the distance is slowly driving me insane...time to get the hell out of here!

Scum

So, it turns out that I've made a new enemy, somehow. The other day, I went outside to get in my car, and all of my garbage was strewn about in the front seat of my car. Then, last night my wife looks outside and the dome light in my car is on (I never leave this light on). Normally, I don't lock my piece of shit car, because I see no reason to considering it's 13 years old and has 192,000 miles on it. But I must say, being fucked with makes me furious beyond words.

I just don't get it. I am honestly one of the nicest dudes on this planet. I am kind to everyone. I turn the other cheek at almost every turn, because I hate conflict. I know what I am capable of, and I know that if I were to unleash what I have inside at any given moment that I would lose everything. I have so many enemies, though, from doing the "right" thing. I couldn't even name them all off. I guess going against the grain and making the tough choices really screws over those people that make bad ones, or maybe they're just pissed at the successes I've made...

In the end, I don't care about the rationale behind any trespass against me. I just want revenge. Once I become bitten by the bug, I can't let it go. I honestly feel sorry for the next person that crosses me. I am ready to kill at this point, and there's not a person alive that can stop me. I won't be defeated. You can lock me up, but you'll just create a bigger monster. What people don't get is, you can hurt me today, but it doesn't end there. I'll kill your entire fucking family. I will cut your fucking first born's head off and rape your fucking wife right in front of you...and then when you think it's over, I'll cut your balls off and feed them to you. And then when you beg for me to kill you, the real pain will begin. Someone who "knows" me is reading this and thinking "no way, Erik is not capable of such butchery". Oh really? I dare you. I fucking dare you.

I just read about an armed robbery on the south side last night...Three robbers wearing shitty Halloween masks broke into a church BINGO HALL and robbed the patrons there...I can't tell you how pissed this makes me. What kind of FUCKING SCUM would do such a thing to what likely amounts to SENIOR CITIZENS? These people will never feel safe where they are, and these little punk bitches will strike again.

This city is becoming a complete hive of scum and villainy. I can't understand why people are so against vigilantism. I'll tell you what, if it were me, 100 against three with only one handgun...if I could carry a piece in there, it would've went like this: robber with the gun walks in. I reach for my piece...BLAM, he's dead. His two compatriots stand there with pee running down their legs wondering who had the nerve to stand up to them. Then, the gun is pointed at them. "OK, you have exactly two choices: drop your weapons, turn around, and take your pussy asses out of here...or, get on your knees and eat lead. You have three seconds to decide." Any guff from that point on would be met with the business end of my revolver.

Could it go another way? Sure. But someone needs to send a message to these motherfuckers...this city is overrun with gangs and thugs and drugs and prostitutes...it's sickening. It's all one big criminal enterprise. They don't fear the police. Why should they? The criminal justice system is set up to "understand" criminals. I don't care to understand. Anyone who would pull a gun on someone just to get what probably amounted to $50 does not value human life, and should not be allowed to walk freely and risk harming someone that doesn't deserve it. They should be eradicated. If we started publicly executing some of these fucks, and made concealed carry legal, I guarantee you that the crime rate would plummet. I don't care if you think it's barbaric. People have no fucking accountability anymore, because there are no consequences. Jail isn't shit, it's just a vacation for criminals...they can go hang out with their kind there and think up new ways to hurt the rest of us. Your society has created a haven for these people, and you wonder why they don't fear or respect you. Unbelievable.

This is in part why I had to leave my old job...getting threatened on a daily basis by pedophiles, wife beaters, thugs, drug addicts...people with NO BUSINESS saying anything cross to me...and being unable to respond or do anything about it except feed some hippie Liberal bullshit at them...it's too much. I dealt with it before with one man, who I will someday see dead, and that was too much. I've had to deal with those scum on a daily basis, and it was becoming too hard to keep it in. I almost blew everything back in August 2007, during a meeting with that scumbag...it took every ounce of me not to break his fucking neck right there. At least where I'm at now, I can tune all that out...All these feelings lay waiting inside me. Someday they'll be unleashed, and it won't be pretty. Those who deserve to be spared, will be. Those who do not will meet the most gruesome end that I can deliver.

OK...I need to take a step back and breathe for a sec...I think it's time to drown my rage in some electronics. Later.

Radio Shack

Who knew Radio Shack had such cool stuff? I was led to believe that they completely stopped carrying electronics stuff like caps, resistors, soldering irons, etc. I went in today just to see for myself, and it turns out that I was totally misled...Not only did they have a huge selection of shit, it was mostly at reasonable prices (though the soldering irons were pretty steep...except that the manager incorrectly rang my $20 iron up at $6...SCORE!!!). They also have tons of resistors, mostly carbon film which will be good in a pinch. I think they're rated at 50V, too...so sick. So yeah, Radio Shack: you have gained a fan. I'll still mostly buy shit from Small Bear and Digikey and Mouser, but if I ever need something in a pinch, it's nice to know they're there.

Speaking of electronics, I modded my first two pedals the other night: Boss DS-1 and a Boss CS-2 Compressor that I got for fucking $30! The DS-1 turned out great. I did some stupid stuff to it, but I ended up fixing it...at least for now. It sounds so much fucking better, the LED is a super bright white one...looks sick. The CS-2 I swapped out some stuff to allow more high end through, changed a couple resistors to make it quieter, and made the LED orange. Looks fucking badass to me.

Oh damnit...I just realized as I was typing this that I totally forgot to bid on some color-changing LED's...Turns out I would've had them for $5 with shipping. I fucking hate my ADD sometimes.

I almost got into a full-blown theological debate with an old acquaintance of mine. I called him out for constantly talking like Christianity is this fact-based, scientific discipline that we should all follow or we won't be "saved", whatever that means and for whatever that's worth. He pulled out all the typical shit I expected he would, but rather than debate the guy, I let it go. I said my piece, made a point, and moved on. There's no reasoning with true believers. No matter how many times I explain that until I see absolute proof of God, that I will not believe in Christianity (I feel the same way about other religions and their deity/ies, including Paganism, the worship of nature as a deity). I just think religious zealots are so fucking arrogant, like they know something I don't. I don't doubt the possibility of the existence of a deity, nor do I blindly accept science. I don't adhere to one idealogy. I judge each situation on its own and make my own conclusions from there. Anyone who does otherwise leaves themselves open to trouble.

Anyway, that's about what I've got for now. I have a feeling I'll be talking a lot this week. Northless' new record is almost done being mixed, so I'm sure that and other shit I do will be topics of discussion.

Oh yeah, and "The Expendables" opens this Friday. I am so excited that my dick is hard in anticipation.

Return

It looks like after years of silence, I have made my triumphant return to the world of the blogosphere. I used to have an account over at LiveJournal...Well, I still do actually. I just never use it. I can't bring myself to delete it, because there is a shitload of stuff over there that I wrote about over the course of years that I like to read from time to time. I'm a sucker for/slave to nostalgia.

So why return now? I'm not sure, really. I've been feeling this burning urge inside me to share things about myself with the world. I think I am slowly realizing my own mortality, which will someday be fully realized when I actually die. I am more aware with each passing day of my own mortality. In the event that I die before those around me who might care about me (a strong likelihood), I will leave this and my other account as a memorial to who I was. If anyone ever wants to understand me, to understand how I really fucking tick, this will be the way.

I can't know people. I don't really know anyone, not even myself. I spent years retreating into myself, and I'm not even sure I like me. I feel like I am a prisoner in my own body, hiding behind a thin veil of fallacies as I watch the world around me writhe out of control. There are times where I wish I could press the fast-forward button and watch time go by. I would laugh as my enemies decay, cry as my loved ones disappear, and rejoice as this entire society crumbles as the new powers-that-be take hold.

Time is all I think about lately...it consumes me. The other day I had an important realization, that in 100 years, no one that I know now will exist. Everyone and probably everything I know will be gone. No one will remember me: who I was, what I did, nothing. Don't get me wrong, I don't care about posthumous notoriety or something fucking lame like that. The relevance of this realization is that ultimately, nothing I fucking do matters because it's all ineffectual. Maybe if I were a mass murderer, or did something incredible people would write about me...but I won't, and they won't. This is most people's existence.

So, then the obvious question: why do we exist? Why do I have this cognition? Why must I carry the pain of being? Is it only to serve those who serve a purpose? And, who dictates who does or does not serve a purpose? Simple physics: an action leads to an equal and opposite reaction. The world has almost 7 billion inhabitants. If someone on the other side of the world does something insignificant, does it affect someone else over here? If we're all interconnected, maybe that is our only reason for existing, to be the supporting cast of a cosmic, epic production.

If there is a God, and if that being created the universe, are all just acting for that being's interests? Has no one considered that our existence may not be some altruistic advance by some creator, to help us carve a place out for our souls. Maybe this God is just watching us, occasionally garnering amusement as every little achievement we make crumbles away. Maybe this God just likes watching us cycle and die every 100 years or so, because then the new season starts and a whole new batch of problems come to light.

I don't fucking know. People thumping Bibles and Korans and Torahs don't fucking know. No one does. We all have ideas, but they're probably all wrong. The bottom line is, we have no fucking answers that are indisputable, and I for one am fucking pissed about it. I have carved a place for myself in this universe, but who said that I should exist? Did I consent to my existence? If so, why don't I remember it? Why was I born into this world? And the big fuck-all, why have I been made to suffer existentially for nearly 30 years? Whose ends am I serving?

I don't want to play this game anymore. I don't want to exist simply because someone or something says I have to. And, if I don't exist for that reason, then why? If there is/are no creator(s), then how are we here? If there is a creator, it makes slightly more sense, and I can see why people cling to this idea: because nihilism and utter fucking isolation is pretty fucking scary. But, it's real...to me. I would rather be real than follow the flock like some coward that never bothers to think. That's all religion is, a method to control the cowards that don't want to think. Those who control the religion don't want people to think, they just want them to follow, because control is everything in this world. Without control, you are a slave. Slavery is the worst way to eke out this existence, because then even your illusion of free will is gone.

It just hit me: Solipsism doesn't make sense if you're a slave. If the outside world is something that I imagine, then all my sensory experiences are controlled by me. If my sensory experiences are controlled by me, then why would I opt to allow others to harm me or force my hand? I wouldn't...but maybe others do because their will isn't right. They won't bite the hands that feed...but I will. Maybe that's why I am where I am, and a slave is where they are. So where does will come from? What drives us? It's all relative to something...but something ignited that spark that powers us to this day.

I don't fucking know, but if this universe was created by something, I want that something to know that this existence is flawed and that I never asked for it.

With all that said, I've got a pretty good life, assuming I am alive. I have good people, good things, good work, a brain that allows me to do things...but I still want answers.

That's it for now. Time to go spend money I don't have on things I don't need.