This week has been utter fucking anger, misery, and worry for me. A lot of shit has happened, but I don't even know where to begin. Some good shit has happened, sure. I think if I ever go one week without something I can call "positive" or at least "not damaging" happening to or because of me, I will take that as a cue to blow my head off.
But anyway, aside from some other shit, the worst part of this week was learning that John Grant is quitting Northless. It's not until February 2011 supposedly, but the bottom line is that we need to find a new bass player. That sucks, a lot. Grant is a really good guy, and one of the coolest musicians I've had an opportunity to play with in a band. I mean, we're pretty different people or whatever, but he's creative and has a good heart, and can play. Those are pretty much the only three things I ask out of people I play with. Unfortunately, anyone who is in a band knows that these kind of people are rare. Now I'm worried about what I'm left with. Who the hell am I going to get to play in my band?
I know this is some "first world problems" kind of bullshit. I get that. I have a roof over my head, all the toys and food I could ever want, a wife that loves me, dogs that love me, people that care about me...all of this is what matters at the end of the day. But truth be told, Northless is definitely the thing that fills a part of my being that nothing else ever has or probably could. It is by far the best music I have ever written, the best band I've ever been in, and honestly is a direct extension of my musical essence. I can't fathom being in another band, and truth be told, the secret is that I won't be. I already made a specific pact with myself that I would do Northless until I literally can't anymore. Even if it only ends up being me, making records on my own in solitude and maybe never playing live again, then this is what I would do. I am lucky as all fuck to have Nick and John still in the band, and no doubt I would be up shit's creek even more if they weren't around. But nevertheless, filling that void that Grant is leaving will not be easy.
My bandmates tell me I should stop "freaking out", so I will try. The good news is at the end of the day, despite the awful physical (and to some extent mental) condition that I am in, I know that if it came down to it, I could perform an entire Northless record myself from top to bottom. This is the furthest possible thing from what I actually want (I HATE playing drums, at least for the last 3-4 months...years of playing shittily in a grind band cemented my disdain for playing the instrument), but I could do it if I had to. What it comes down to is, I will always need this release. I will always need this outlet. I would prefer to play with others and share it for those who might be able to identify with my art, but if that's not how things go, then so be it.
On that note, I've been playing guitar a ton more lately. I haven't really worked on any Northless stuff. We just finished recording 60 minutes of music, so I'm kind of spent at this moment. I also am not sure which direction I want to take the band in...whatever I do it will still be the heaviest thing I can excise from this body, but I'm trying to plan out how exactly to achieve this end. This record we're about to release I think is our "Master of Puppets". It's something we worked super hard on, and is just us at our purest. To make another one exactly like it would probably cheapen the experience...and I don't want to do that. So, the obvious conclusion is that we must evolve. Thankfully, I seem to be doing that anyway, slowly but surely. I think the next Northless music will be something really fucked up but in an honest way. That's what I want. But, make no mistake: it will be heavy. I would have it no other way.
Anyway, guitar. I've been modding a lot of pedals lately, so I find myself playing the guitar nearly every day for like 30 minutes. My chops are even coming back, slowly. I'm gonna start actually practicing again. I lost a little speed through the years, but my dexterity is as good as ever, perhaps better. I could also stand for some more endurance and stamina in my hands, but that will simply come with time. I would really like to work on being able to shred a bit. I can play solos now, but they just sound like the C- shit that most blues-influenced metal douchewads bust out at Guitar Center. I have no interest in playing some fucking hard blues shit. I want to be less Dave Mustaine, and more Marty Friedman. This will take time. But, after playing guitar for close to 18 years, I think it's time to shit or get off the pot.
I suppose this blog is rapidly becoming a rip off of Scott Kelly's blog. But then again, Northless is really just a Neurosis rip off, right? I dunno. The music blogs and magazines that have reviewed us seem to think so. I don't ultimately care. I'd rather be compared to a good band than do something "original" that sucks, like so many bands that are out now not worth mentioning. All I do is play what I like and if we are truly the sum of our influences, then I can see why the comparison is made. So be it. I am who I am.
The sound of racecars in the distance is slowly driving me insane...time to get the hell out of here!
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