Failure

I hate being a failure, but I really am. I'm nearly 30 years old, and I really have nothing worthwhile to show for those years on this planet. Sure, I fill my time with mundane shit like music and electronics...big deal. What really gets to me is how much fucking money and time I've put into school, and how little I've gotten back from the experience. I fucked up big time and got possibly one of the top 10 lowest paying, most worthless degrees on this planet: a Master's in Social Work. Want to know something fucked up? I make less now than I did before I got the MSW...seriously. How does that work, you ask? Well, let me lay it out for you: once you go to school and get that fancy degree, the assumption is that you can handle more responsibilities at work (i.e. more cases and clients), and you can handle a degree of people that people with mere BSW's cannot. Unfortunately, that is not necessarily true. While an MSW does give you more knowledge about the social work field, it does not make you any more prepared to deal with a 9 year old kid who tries to kill themselves in front of you, and then proceeds to try and kill you instead...or with a 16 year old kid who is almost as strong as you are trying to jump out of your car, while you're doing 65 mph on the freeway...or a 39 year old gang member leaving you messages, reciting your unlisted home address over and over. A degree cannot help one work through those things...

And yet, I must be one of the few that understands this concept, because that's exactly the shit I've had to put up with through the years. I had plenty of shit happen to me before I got the fancy degree, even some of the things I just mentioned. I became pretty damn good at my job through the years- honestly, better than most. So, after working for 6 years for the same agency, being carted around 5 times due to internal restructuring, after training dozens of workers, after putting up with all the political bullshit, I was repaid with...nothing. Not one fucking thing. I tried to better myself and apply for a better job...nothing but rejection there. And then they give the job to some fuck that hasn't worked in the field for years, and was either fired or asked to leave his old position in social work at a similar agency, under the umbrella of our current agency. What's worse is that from all accounts, the motherfucker is completely incompetent.

So, I left the job. Was it a mistake? Maybe. They asked me to stay, sort of. All they offered me was a "maybe" that I'd get a raise or promotion or reduction in caseload. I explained several times that my life doesn't revolve around maybes, that I wanted something concrete before turning down something that was way easier and way less stressful. The response? Nothing. Nada. I was left to leave. I got fed a nice, shit-caked line about how valuable I was to their agency, and how in a few months I would regret the decision I've made. Wow, so I was made to feel guilty, eh? Incredible. I love it. Please sign me up for more bullshit.

So, I got a new job. My new job is 100x easier, and for the most part I enjoy it more...there are some people I work with that I don't particularly enjoy, but as with any large group of people, you're not gonna be friends or even friendly with everyone....or even anyone, necessarily. The most glaring problem I see is that I took a pretty significant pay cut, and am pretty fucking broke much of the time now. I keep borrowing from my credit cards every month, and just sink deeper into debt. Sooner or later, things will catch up and I'll be all kinds of fucked. I'm not even sure what to do at this point. Get a second job? I guess that's really it. Cut spending somewhere? I suppose so.

What really gets me is this: all the people I went to school with are now successful. Most of them have moved onto management positions or better jobs with better pay. Some of them have even returned to school to better themselves yet again. And here I am...broke. No future. A wife that hates me and that I neglect, in order to play music in a band that so far has gone through a fucking lineup change every single year since its inception, and is going through yet another one right now. Overweight, high blood pressure, all sorts of burgeoning health problems. Dogs with emotional problems. 2 piece of shit cars that barely run, and I of course can't afford new ones. Not a goddamn red cent saved up. Crippling financial debt. No family that is able or willing to help out. Hated by most people for reasons that I don't even understand...publicly ridiculed and persecuted for no known reason(s)...

I don't know anymore. I keep asking myself why I allow myself to be put through all of this bullshit. I've said it out loud, and I'll say it again: I DIDN'T ASK TO BE BORN...and if I did, I don't remember doing it, and I recant the request. I don't want to fucking live anymore. I see no reason to. I'm not going to kill myself, I'm too much of a coward. I want whatever the fuck created me, or led to my existence, to take me out of this fucking world. You started this, now fucking end it already. I have no reason to exist. I don't like existence. I'm not happy. I can't remember the last time I've been happy. Is this what you want? To torture someone? Is this for your sick pleasure? You win. I hate everything more everyday. I'm running out of reasons to get out of bed in the morning, I really am. Why am I made to feel things? I don't want to. I just want to stop feeling everything. Let me die before I fuck things up for my wife, or my friends and family...they don't deserve it, but apparently I do. If you want to torture me, fine- but you leave them the fuck out of it.

I'm beside myself with anger, hurt, frustration. I don't know how anything else feels anymore. I just want to be away from everyone for as long as possible. Someday I'm either not going to exist, or I'm going to leave society. I can't stay here anymore. I want to be destroyed quickly, not fade away slowly.

Fuck

I don't exist for anyone's amusement, except maybe God...if there is a God. If there is a God, I wonder if he punishes us because we're not amusing him. Maybe that's why "idle hands are the devil's tools", because once you stop amusing God, he/she/it sends gives you to the devil. He's done with you at that point, after all. I don't fucking know.

I feel myself getting older. I can feel my skin softening, and my insides rotting slowly. I've existed on this planet for nearly 11,000 days and I still haven't figured out why I exist...assuming Descartes was correct and that thought = existence. I still haven't been convinced that this isn't some kind of Solipsistic nightmare...does it really matter anyway? I have no real freedom. I was created, directly or indirectly, and unless I kill myself, death owns me as I have no control over when I will leave this planet.

With that said, does anything matter?

Implode and disappear

Seriously, I'm still fucking here. I've never left. I've been here for over a decade now, in the place where I am mentally. The others that I thought I shared this space with all left and moved on. Some regressed, others made something different. But the thing that unifies them is that they lost their fucking passion for it...It's entirely possible that they never had passion to begin with. Why is life such a fucking joke to some people? Other people matter, but not for the reasons you think they do. Your reality is fucking pathetic. I watched you crawl away, and at first I was afraid to be alone. But here I am, still here...I'm not really alone, but I am the wolf you should fear, because when you think you're safe and forget what you pretended to be, there I'll be.

Fairweather bullshit means nothing to me. You're either in it, or you're not. I create as much as I destroy, but you people don't create a fucking thing. WHAT A WASTE. I haven't seen some of your faces since 2002...is it out of fashion to feel something for others' creations? Or was your involvement based on nepotism and status? Are drugs more your speed? You make me sick.

I did not and will not dig the holes, but I will gladly push you in them. And when you ask why, maybe I'll throw something you used to claim to enjoy on the CD player, so you can hear it one last time before you die.

I'm still here. I've always been here. Never fucking forget that.

Hated

Being hated is a funny thing. When I was younger, it seemed simpler in that I could identify the reasons I was hated. I was fat. I was ugly. I smelled bad. I had sideburns in 6th grade, and was different from everyone else. Maybe I'd occasionally say or do something shitty, like all kids do. Some people would move on and forgive, but yet other kids did not. I could easily zone in on the reason I was so disliked as a child.

Flash forward to now. I am still hated. Despised, even. I walk among the sheep at large, as a lone wolf. Some of them know what I am and rightly fear me. Others underestimate me, or share my sentiment and leave me be. Every once in a while, I face opposition. I deal with that accordingly, to the best of my ability. What's different is that now, the reasons why I am hated seem more ambiguous.

I am what the controllers of the morals refer to as a "good" person. I am a child welfare social worker. I help people, or at least try to. I pay my bills. I keep my cross words about others at a minimum, and seek to resolve conflict as peacefully as possible. I am friendly and even kind to most when I am inclined towards that disposition. And yet, despite all that, I am still hated...loathed, even, by so many. Truthfully, much of the time I do not get why. I am pretty introspective. I look at each and every one of my actions, and try to understand how those actions will affect others. I am altruistic, even though many times I do not want to be. And yet, I am entangled in an endless web of hatred. It's me against the world.

I was reminded of this today, as I was perusing my Facebook page. One of my elementary school teachers is on there, and is friends with damn near every other kid that went to my grade school. And yet, I remembered adding him twice, and even sending him a message, and of course he didn't add me. Why? I know he remembers me. I was that kid on the football team that had no heart and no skill, that did it only as a favor to the school. I was the kid that laughed super hard at all his jokes. And yet, there is hate. He is even friends with the douchebag that threatened to beat his ass, in fucking 7th grade no less. And for me...hate.

My former best friend of 11 years, the kid who I grew up with, who was the only friend I had for years and still was my best friend after all that...hates me. Despite repeated apologies, despite repeated attempts to make things right and prove to him that I am not the careless, selfish child I was when I was fucking 19...nothing. Only hate remains for me.

I don't want to live among this society any longer. I've said for years that I only exist here because I've created entanglements and complicated relationships here, mostly to the benefit of others. I don't want to live here anymore. I want to be in the mountains, in solitude, with my animals- the only ones that don't judge me and love me unconditionally. They are the only creatures that do this. Humans don't understand love. Our connection to it is fading more every day. I'm not sure I know what love is. Have I ever truly loved, or have I just clung to the one who would cling me back, if only for a while? If I have loved, then my wife is the only person I have ever loved intimately. I love my parents, and my sisters- my family. My blood is sacred to me. Despite that, I would rather exist away from this society, this world that exists only to hurt and cause fear, frustration, uncertainty, confusion...This is not how man should be.

I wonder how many others fall through the cracks like me. I wonder if the world is all just a big batch of takers. I guess I need only to look around and see others that care like I do. My job proves I'm not alone entirely, even though it seems like it. But that's just it- why does it have to seem like it? And why do I have to be hated for caring? I give a shit about people. I don't like many of them, but somewhere deep down I believe they have the same fears, frustrations, uncertainty, and confusion that I do. This is our common bond. All I want to do is work together with them to figure out how to eradicate or at least minimalize those things. But, there is mostly rejection, or superficial acceptance.

Are we really fucking doomed? Are these the end times? Is our society really on the verge of implosion? I don't care what anyone thinks: I want us to be destroyed. I think humans have caused enough problems for this world. I don't think we should exist anymore, and if 2012 is really some great cataclysm, then so be it. I'll wait with open arms as this shitty rock sinks into itself, and will swim across the divide to whatever end I face. I'm ready for it. Take me.