Hated

Being hated is a funny thing. When I was younger, it seemed simpler in that I could identify the reasons I was hated. I was fat. I was ugly. I smelled bad. I had sideburns in 6th grade, and was different from everyone else. Maybe I'd occasionally say or do something shitty, like all kids do. Some people would move on and forgive, but yet other kids did not. I could easily zone in on the reason I was so disliked as a child.

Flash forward to now. I am still hated. Despised, even. I walk among the sheep at large, as a lone wolf. Some of them know what I am and rightly fear me. Others underestimate me, or share my sentiment and leave me be. Every once in a while, I face opposition. I deal with that accordingly, to the best of my ability. What's different is that now, the reasons why I am hated seem more ambiguous.

I am what the controllers of the morals refer to as a "good" person. I am a child welfare social worker. I help people, or at least try to. I pay my bills. I keep my cross words about others at a minimum, and seek to resolve conflict as peacefully as possible. I am friendly and even kind to most when I am inclined towards that disposition. And yet, despite all that, I am still hated...loathed, even, by so many. Truthfully, much of the time I do not get why. I am pretty introspective. I look at each and every one of my actions, and try to understand how those actions will affect others. I am altruistic, even though many times I do not want to be. And yet, I am entangled in an endless web of hatred. It's me against the world.

I was reminded of this today, as I was perusing my Facebook page. One of my elementary school teachers is on there, and is friends with damn near every other kid that went to my grade school. And yet, I remembered adding him twice, and even sending him a message, and of course he didn't add me. Why? I know he remembers me. I was that kid on the football team that had no heart and no skill, that did it only as a favor to the school. I was the kid that laughed super hard at all his jokes. And yet, there is hate. He is even friends with the douchebag that threatened to beat his ass, in fucking 7th grade no less. And for me...hate.

My former best friend of 11 years, the kid who I grew up with, who was the only friend I had for years and still was my best friend after all that...hates me. Despite repeated apologies, despite repeated attempts to make things right and prove to him that I am not the careless, selfish child I was when I was fucking 19...nothing. Only hate remains for me.

I don't want to live among this society any longer. I've said for years that I only exist here because I've created entanglements and complicated relationships here, mostly to the benefit of others. I don't want to live here anymore. I want to be in the mountains, in solitude, with my animals- the only ones that don't judge me and love me unconditionally. They are the only creatures that do this. Humans don't understand love. Our connection to it is fading more every day. I'm not sure I know what love is. Have I ever truly loved, or have I just clung to the one who would cling me back, if only for a while? If I have loved, then my wife is the only person I have ever loved intimately. I love my parents, and my sisters- my family. My blood is sacred to me. Despite that, I would rather exist away from this society, this world that exists only to hurt and cause fear, frustration, uncertainty, confusion...This is not how man should be.

I wonder how many others fall through the cracks like me. I wonder if the world is all just a big batch of takers. I guess I need only to look around and see others that care like I do. My job proves I'm not alone entirely, even though it seems like it. But that's just it- why does it have to seem like it? And why do I have to be hated for caring? I give a shit about people. I don't like many of them, but somewhere deep down I believe they have the same fears, frustrations, uncertainty, and confusion that I do. This is our common bond. All I want to do is work together with them to figure out how to eradicate or at least minimalize those things. But, there is mostly rejection, or superficial acceptance.

Are we really fucking doomed? Are these the end times? Is our society really on the verge of implosion? I don't care what anyone thinks: I want us to be destroyed. I think humans have caused enough problems for this world. I don't think we should exist anymore, and if 2012 is really some great cataclysm, then so be it. I'll wait with open arms as this shitty rock sinks into itself, and will swim across the divide to whatever end I face. I'm ready for it. Take me.